i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
