I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
