remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
