I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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