my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
operation have a gay friend backfired
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
