update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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