When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
