the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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