worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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