I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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