she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish there were birth control emojis
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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