ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I have aggressive nipples.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
