i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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