Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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