Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
