R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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