i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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