her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
