So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
