I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
where does the pee come out of this thing
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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