Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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