guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
