dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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