She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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