Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
