Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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