at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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