I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize