Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
