Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
