3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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