All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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