i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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