Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
