You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
