After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
