I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
