and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Too much gin, very little bucket
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
