My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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