Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it hurts more in the daytime
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
