I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
