I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
