if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize