Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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