I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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