bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize