There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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