i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
