He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
