Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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