please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
