At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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