My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
