Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize