I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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