i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
