I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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