I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
