I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
