I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
