why didn't you poke me back
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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