Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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