hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
