Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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