he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
