We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i drank out of a bidet.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
