the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
