Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
