well I can't set my house on fire every night
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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